Four Steps for Crushing Relationship Conflict

As a mental health practitioner, I often help others sort out conflicts and crises. Over the years I have learned that there are specific skills that help people navigate their relationships in a more loving and productive manner.

The next time you have a disagreement, try these tools before you re-engage:

1. RESET

We are victims of age-old wiring. When we feel threatened, we have a primitive instinct to fight, flee, or freeze; or a combination platter of the three reactions. Take whatever time you need to restore your normal heart rate and breathing patterns. Deep breathing, stretching, time with a pet, a walk around the block, and time outside in a garden or the woods can all be helpful.

2. REVIEW
Ask yourself what your role was in the argument. Did you stoop to name-calling, blaming, or shaming? Did you yell? These common tactics used in arguments are not productive. Did you bring up hurts or incidents from the past? Fair fighting requires a focus on the present and using "I" statements ("I worry when you come home an hour after you told me you would",  not "You are always late"). Were you looking to blow off steam after a bad day? We often save our worst for those we love. Be mindful of this tendency- it erodes the warmth in a relationship. Are you currently under major stress? When chronically stressed, we have a lower threshold for upset and may argue more frequently.

3. REGROUP
Next, try to identify what the biggest issue is that you hope to change or bring awareness to.  Did the disagreement start over differences in emotional styles? Did it start over a difference of opinion in parenting or money? Is this an old, recurring fight? Identifying what the argument is really about may help you sort if out.

4. RETRY
Calmer heads will prevail if you wait to talk again only when all parties are ready (although perpetually refusing to talk after a day or so has passed is unhealthy).  Be aware of the volume of your voice. I have noticed that when someone is consistently loud, a pattern can be set up whereby the quieter person shuts down regardless of the content. Also, listen intently and try paraphrasing what your loved one says. This technique gives you time to absorb and clarify the message before you respond.

 If you continue to feel frustrated, unheard, or hurt, you may want to seek out a counselor or therapist.
Sometimes an objective professional can spot unhelpful dynamics and share insights and tools to help you get the warmth back in your relationships.

Healing Through Advocacy

If you are feeling overwhelmed by feelings of anger, pain, confusion and despair due to the tragic events at Sandy Hook Elementary School, you are in good company. This week most of the people I encountered in my personal life and in my private practice were feeling highly stressed, sad and helpless. As a psychotherapist from Newtown, CT, I am trying to stay strong by working through my own grief so that I can support others through this profoundly painful time.

Healing from trauma takes time, and varies tremendously from person to person.  Factors such as an individual's genetics; thinking style; home, school, community and work environments; and past traumas all shape the healing process.  Cultural traditions and beliefs, and spiritual or religious faith also play a role in the recovery process.

One wonderful way to counteract despair and speed healing is to foster positive change. Many of you have already helped in ways such as donating to funds for the victims' families and signing a national sympathy card. Another way you can take action is to speak out against assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines.

Instructions are detailed below, courtesy of  Josh Sugarman, Executive Director of the Violence Policy Center.  Josh is a fellow graduate of the Newtown High School class of 1978, and I am proud to call him my friend.

"To my Newtown Friends:
As some of you may know, I've spent most of my professional life working to stop gun violence as founder and executive director of the Violence Policy Center in Washington, DC.

And while I know all too well that gun violence can happen anywhere, that such a horrific event occurred in Newtown is almost beyond comprehension. To see young lives destroyed and the anguish of friends and family is beyond heartbreaking. 

Over the past few days, I've talked to fellow classmates and friends from Newtown and the common question has been, what can we do? Right now, one of the immediate actions you can take is to contact the White House, your Member of Congress, and your U.S. Senators and let them know that you're from Newtown and that you demand action. This may not sound like much, and it's only the first step, but it will make a real difference. I've included contact information below. 
--White House Comments: 202-456-1111

President Obama has said that he will support an assault weapons ban. Call and thank him and urge him to follow through on his promise. 
--U.S. Capitol Switchboard at 202-224-3121 

Call the U.S. Capitol switchboard and ask to speak with your Member of Congress and U.S. Senators. Tell them you support a ban on assault weapons and high-capacity ammunition magazines. 

Please follow the Violence Policy Center, on the web, Facebook, and Twitter, and share this information with everyone you know."

I will be writing more soon on healing from trauma. In the meantime, remember that a little extra patience and small acts of kindness will ease your suffering and that of those around you.

Thinking of you,
Laura