Not Feeling Festive? Get Your Zzzzzzzzzzzs

I am re-posting a timely blog in hopes it may help you if you missed it 5 years ago...

Good sleep is not only important to your physical health, it is also key to a good mood. Getting plenty of sleep during this busy season is difficult, for sure.  However, it is essential. The holidays put extra emotional and physical demands on us, and sleep helps us bounce back, maintain perspective, and stay healthy.

Not only is the quantity of your sleep important, the quality of your sleep is, too. Sleep quality can be enhanced in many ways: a cool but not cold room temperature, a very dark bedroom, a comfortable bed without pets or children hogging the bed. Those of us who have reached - ahem - "middle age" have biological factors that make our sleep less sound than it used to be, and may need to take extra steps to insure a good night's sleep.

The first suggestions I make to clients who are frustrated by poor sleep are:

• eliminate afternoon caffeine
• limit alcohol to one (women) or two  (men) drinks
• try deep breathing or alternate nostril breathing* when you can't sleep
• turn off all electronics, including the TV, an hour before bed
• keep a small journal or pad near your bed, and write down any thoughts or chores that are nagging at you
• no vigorous exercise closer than three hours to bed time

If you have made these changes and are still having problems falling asleep or staying asleep, or usually feel grouchy or tired in the morning, it is probably time to get some help. I find clients often hesitate to see an internist or psychiatrist to discuss medical interventions for insomnia. However, I urge them to do so, as I have witnessed tremendous improvement in mood and stamina in those who have sought treatment.

Sleep can make the difference between a good day and a bad one

There are natural sleep remedies that are effective for many people. There are also several sleep medications that have been developed in the last decade that at the right dose do not leave people feeling groggy or "hungover".  I  prefer environmental and natural sleep interventions. However, the effect of sleep on quality of life is so profound that medication should be considered if other interventions fail to help.

If the shopping and wrapping are feeling more like torture than fun, crawl into bed early tonight and take a long winter's nap.

Wishing you more "ho ho ho's" and less stress;  good health, and peace this holiday season.

Be well,

Laura

For more information on alternate nostril breathing, go to: http://www.holisticonline.com/yoga/hol_yoga_breathing-ex-nadisodh.htm

FIVE CONVERSATIONS BEFORE “I DO!”

I want to share this excellent article by Lane Marmon, who had a career as a family law lawyer and is currently a director at HHG, a financial management company in Darien, CT.  I counsel many people who are unhappy with their money habits and/or with the negative impact disagreements about money have on their relationship. Lane's tips are excellent. I hope you find them helpful.

FIVE CONVERSATIONS BEFORE "I DO!"

Congratulations! You are engaged and have started planning your dream wedding. You have considered who should be in your wedding party, what music will be played and where the special day will take place. However, marriage is a big step and having a serious discussion about finances with your soon to be spouse is important. Therefore, it is shocking that most people generally do not discuss finances and household responsibilities before saying “I do”.  

Below are five recommended topics of conversation for you and your future spouse to discuss.

Share your spending habits:

When it comes to spending, you need to be honest with your spouse about your habits.If you are honest with each other, you are more likely to work together to reach your goals in a trusting relationship. However, if you are dishonest, you may find yourself hiding your credit card charges or arguing over the balance of the checking account. You should consider that there may be a reason why your spouse pinches every penny or spends every dime. Having a conversation about a habit can lead to a stronger and more thoughtful relationship. In addition, it enables you to set realistic goals with your spouse about saving and spending.

Transparency:

Having a mysterious credit history is not a turn-on.  In fact it can be a turn-off. Your soon to be spouse may have a prestigious high-paying job in New York City but, he may also have hundreds of thousands of dollars of student loan debt. Having debt does not necessarily need to be a deal breaker for you.  However, it will help you to set realistic saving goals. 

For example, an individual who accumulated thousands of dollars in credit card debt and has a diminished credit score, may influence a spouse’s ability to purchase a house. Together, you and your spouse can repair credit damage and pay off debts.  However, it is hard to repair something that you do not know is damaged.  The key is transparency. 

Discuss how you are combining your finances:

Each relationship is different. Understanding how each spouse’s income is going to be treated and how the expenses are going to be paid varies from couple to couple.  Some couples merge all their income and expenses, others keep everything separate. Whereas, others follow a hybrid model of keeping some income and expenses joint and others separate. Once you have decided how the income and expenses are going to be handled, one spouse needs to take the lead on managing them and monitoring the monthly cash flow. 

Often times the spouse who is monitoring the cash flow is seen as the spouse with more financial control and knowledge. However, with honest conversations about expenses, both spouses can feel equally involved in the decision making process.

Define your financial goals:

Everyone has a financial goal. Perhaps it is to save up for a new set of golf clubs or a small starter home. On the other hand, it may be to be a stay-at-home parent. Whatever it may be, you should share those goals with your future spouse. You will receive a greater understanding of your spouse’s desires and it will help develop a serious discussion about the reality of those goals. 

Financial Advisor:

Having a financial advisor to provide knowledge, resources and insight is exceedingly helpful when developing a financial plan. You want to pick a financial advisor who is honest and makes you feel comfortable. Your advisor will work with you to develop your financial goals, plans surrounding a major life event and tax strategies, among other things. It is never too early to pick a financial advisor, since you want to develop a long-lasting relationship with an individual who understands you as a couple and your future plans.

By having these serious conversations about finances, you are building a healthier and stronger relationship with your spouse. 

[1] This is from a study conducted using longitudinal data from more than 4,500 couples as part of the National Survey of Families & Households.

Four Steps for Crushing Relationship Conflict

As a mental health practitioner, I often help others sort out conflicts and crises. Over the years I have learned that there are specific skills that help people navigate their relationships in a more loving and productive manner.

The next time you have a disagreement, try these tools before you re-engage:

1. RESET

We are victims of age-old wiring. When we feel threatened, we have a primitive instinct to fight, flee, or freeze; or a combination platter of the three reactions. Take whatever time you need to restore your normal heart rate and breathing patterns. Deep breathing, stretching, time with a pet, a walk around the block, and time outside in a garden or the woods can all be helpful.

2. REVIEW
Ask yourself what your role was in the argument. Did you stoop to name-calling, blaming, or shaming? Did you yell? These common tactics used in arguments are not productive. Did you bring up hurts or incidents from the past? Fair fighting requires a focus on the present and using "I" statements ("I worry when you come home an hour after you told me you would",  not "You are always late"). Were you looking to blow off steam after a bad day? We often save our worst for those we love. Be mindful of this tendency- it erodes the warmth in a relationship. Are you currently under major stress? When chronically stressed, we have a lower threshold for upset and may argue more frequently.

3. REGROUP
Next, try to identify what the biggest issue is that you hope to change or bring awareness to.  Did the disagreement start over differences in emotional styles? Did it start over a difference of opinion in parenting or money? Is this an old, recurring fight? Identifying what the argument is really about may help you sort if out.

4. RETRY
Calmer heads will prevail if you wait to talk again only when all parties are ready (although perpetually refusing to talk after a day or so has passed is unhealthy).  Be aware of the volume of your voice. I have noticed that when someone is consistently loud, a pattern can be set up whereby the quieter person shuts down regardless of the content. Also, listen intently and try paraphrasing what your loved one says. This technique gives you time to absorb and clarify the message before you respond.

 If you continue to feel frustrated, unheard, or hurt, you may want to seek out a counselor or therapist.
Sometimes an objective professional can spot unhelpful dynamics and share insights and tools to help you get the warmth back in your relationships.

Superwoman Syndrome

All too often women, especially mothers, use the three dirtiest words in the English language: "should, could, and would".  This type of thinking is an energy-draining, unproductive trap that is important to avoid.

You are likely carrying a very heavy load of responsibilities, which makes it impossible to do anything perfectly. In addition to taking care of yourself, chances are good that you are also caring for several others: a partner, children, an aging parent, a pet, your home, and a business. There is not enough time in the week to perform all of these roles well. It is easy to slide into a negative thought process and focus on what you “should” have done differently- beating yourself up rather than acknowledging the many things you are doing well.

This type of thinking is common in perfectionists. It contributes to exhaustion, high stress levels, and low self-esteem, which can in turn contribute to depression and anxiety.  It is really important to observe your tendency to be self-critical, and work to change your negative thought processes.

Change your thought patterns and behavior for the better:

•   Repeat until you believe: "The best thing I can do for everyone is take care of myself." in addition to getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercise, schedule doctor and dentist appointments for yourself religiously.

•   Prioritize and be realistic. Studies show we usually under-estimate how long everyday tasks will take. Block out time on your calendar for everything from grocery shopping to running errands to exercise. With practice, this technique may help you break the cycle of always feeling behind and/or running late.

•   Think about or write down what you HAVE accomplished.

•   Ask for help. It may be painful at first, but you will be doing everyone a favor if children and your  partner become more self-sufficient and you become less stressed.

•   Evaluate and adjust relationships. Which friendships are truly genuine and reciprocal? Which ones feel like obligations and are draining?

•   Are you being penny-wise and pound-foolish? Unless you really enjoy pulling weeds, your time investment in your job or business will likely eventually reap more money than the going rate for yard work will cost you.

•   Review decisions. Some decisions are wonderful in theory but do not stand the test of time. Volunteer commitments, children's activities, certain social obligations, and household rules can and should be re-evaluated and adjusted frequently.

Women are twice as likely to become depressed as men, and are particularly vulnerable after giving birth and during the years around menopause. If you notice your are engaging in an unhealthy habit such as over or under-eating, drinking to excess, abuse of prescription or street drugs, isolating yourself from others, or engaging in an inappropriate relationship, seek help.

You deserve to enjoy some peace of mind and free time long before retirement or your children are grown. It is time to put the Superwoman myth to rest.

Be well,

Laura

Information Overload: Is Choosing How to De-Stress Stressing You Out?

Finding time to relax is hard enough, and to make matters worse, every lifestyle magazine cover, newspaper or TV newscast has different suggestions for managing stress. Here's some soothing news: results of a study in Behavior and Research Therapy (August 2010) show that breathing is the most effective relaxation strategy. Compared to progressive muscle relaxation and meditation, mindful breathing was the most calming activity.  A stand-out result of the study was how well mindful breathing helped reduce anxious thinking and limit the ability of negative thoughts to upset study participants.

If you have never tried breathing for relaxation, Dr. Andrew Weill gives great instructions:

This exercise is utterly simple, takes almost no time, requires no equipment and can be done anywhere. Although you can do the exercise in any position, sit with your back straight while learning the exercise. Place the tip of your tongue against the ridge of tissue just behind your upper front teeth, and keep it there through the entire exercise. You will be exhaling through your mouth around your tongue; try pursing your lips slightly if this seems awkward.

• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound.
• Close your mouth and inhale quietly through your nose to a mental count of four (your belly should expand).
  
• Hold your breath for a count of seven.
• Exhale completely through your mouth, making a whoosh sound to a count of eight (your belly should contract as it pushes out the air).
• This is one breath. Now inhale again and repeat the cycle three more times for a total of four breaths.

Note that you always inhale quietly through your nose and exhale audibly through your mouth. The tip of your tongue stays in position the whole time. Exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation. The absolute time you spend on each phase is not important; the ratio of 4:7:8 is important. If you have trouble holding your breath, speed the exercise up but keep to the ratio of 4:7:8 for the three phases. With practice you can slow it all down and get used to inhaling and exhaling more and more deeply.

Take a moment to relax and breath

 This exercise is a natural tranquilizer for the nervous system. Unlike tranquilizing drugs, which are often effective when you first take them but then lose their power over time, this exercise is subtle when you first try it but gains in power with repetition and practice. Two times a day is a great goal, and you cannot do it too frequently. Do not do more than four breaths at one time for the first month of practice. Later, if you wish, you can extend it to eight breaths. If you feel a little lightheaded when you first breathe this way, do not be concerned; it will pass.

Once you develop this technique by practicing it every day, it will be a very useful tool that you will always have with you. Use it whenever anything upsetting happens - before you react. Use it whenever you are aware of internal tension. Use it to help you fall asleep. This exercise cannot be recommended too highly. Everyone can benefit from it.

Be well, and just breathe...

Laura 

Breathing: The Master Key to Self Healing (The Self Healing Series) by Dr. Andrew Weil

Surviving End-of-School Angst

Through experience we all know that the big transitions in life can be extremely stressful. Less discussed is the anxiety caused by seasonal transitions. Families with children of all ages often find the weeks around the end of the school year to be very challenging, and parenting teens through this time can be particularly trying. While May and June may bring us beautiful weather, baseball, and the beginning of beach season, it can also bring our children and ourselves major angst. Academic, social, or extracurricular commitments, as well as nerves about upcoming final exams, the lack of a Summer job, or serving too much bench time in a beloved sport can overwhelm teens at the end of the school year. Teachers can understandably get stressed (and sometimes cranky) as they try to instill the last bits of the curriculum to students under the spell of Spring fever. These myriad stressors can cause major tension and upset in a family. Ask any school psychologist or social worker, and they will tell you that many children are in distress at this time of year, and are in need of extra support.

Is your teen feeling like this?

How can parents offer this support and meet our other responsibilities? A seasoned, caring parent once shared her strategy for helping children and maintaining sanity during challenging times:

"Do not ride the roller-coaster".

This wonderful metaphor can help keep us on track when our teens feel out of control. So the question is, how do us parents stay off the roller coaster while keeping our kids safe and stable as they ride it?

• Do not rush in to fix problems. Wait 12 hours, and if the problem still seems serious, re-evaluate.
• Encourage teens to use an electronic or paper calendar, and work backwards, allowing time for upcoming priorities. Looking at a calendar together on paper can be helpful. An activity may have to "go" to allow for adequate time for the basics such as studying for exams and sleep.
• Help kids refine tools that are already in their toolbox: they all have playlists, but do they have a relaxation playlist?
• Model good coping skills. What do they see us do when the going gets tough? The driving range or pulling weeds can often cure what ails us, and prepare us for their next dip.
• Be the enforcer. Parties and events abound at the end of the school year. Despite what your child says, "everybody" is not going, and you are not the only "horrible parent who is ruining my life and will never understand".
• Do not pretend you are coasting along and everything is "FINE" when it is not. Although no one wants to be, or listen to, a "Doug or Wendy Whiner", admitting that you are facing challenges models honesty to your children and your peers. It may even help you make a more meaningful connection with an acquaintance.
• Be present, but do not engage. A friend shared that her 17 year-old daughter recently tried to get her on the roller coaster by complaining incessantly about having to participate in an important family celebration. Mom's wise response? "I am going on a walk, would you like to join me?" Of course, the result was some much needed alone time for Mom.
• Ask for help. Who cast you as superhero? Your partner, friend or relative will likely pleasantly surprise you when you tell them you are going through a tough time.
• When all else fails, go to your room or a quiet place and take a 10 minute "vacation". Put on your headphones, close your eyes and pretend you are on your favorite beach or mountaintop.

 Be well,

Laura